(This post will be strictly monitored due to the sexual nature of the content. I’m aware posts like this will attract weirdos and sometimes the wrong traffic, so I will make sure to be moderating comments closely.)
When it comes to ministering to men, there are typically 3 different areas we should address. One of them is the area of sexual issues. I think I remember growing up and hearing in health class that the average 17 year old male thinks about sex every 7 minutes. It could be possible that I don’t remember the statistic correctly, and that every 17 year old male thinks about sex 7 TIMES a minute. I’ll have to dig up that statistic, but need less to say, men are sexual beings and in thinking of ministry toward men, we have to address sexuality.
I feel like we don’t talk about sex enough in the church. This has fostered a culture of guilt, shame and secrecy on issues involving sexual behavior and sexual sin. I’m not in favor of airing anyone’s dirty laundry. We shouldn’t bring too much attention to private things that should be kept for behind closed doors. Never the less, we should create space for men to talk about, discuss and ask questions when it relates to sex and sexual issues. Here are a few practical ideas on bringing men together to build into them a healthy view of sexual intimacy and sexuality:
Provide Small Groups
Some men will never speak up in a large group. Providing a private, trusted context for men to confess, talk and ask questions will be of great benefit. In fact, the smaller the better. But the group should be large enough so men are able to hear different voices and relate with one another. The enemy wants to isolate men in this area, so men need to know they aren’t alone in their struggles.
Confess Your Own Failings
Men need to know they aren’t the only one struggling. As sexual beings, men are made to feel shameful or guilty for even having sexual desire. Men need to know they aren’t a pervert because they want to be intimate with their spouse or because they have a natural desire for sex. Sexual desire is perfectly normal. God gave us sex! But men also need to know how to conduct themselves with their wives and understand the different ways men and women relate when it comes to having a robust, healthy sex life. Learning from the mistakes of others and knowing that you’re not the only one dealing with things will impart wisdom to younger men especially.
Provide Lessons in Romance
Brothers need a lesson in romance. Many men just don’t know that the key to a woman is to speak to her heart. Men need to know that rolling over in the middle of the night like a simple minded caveman to poke their wives for sex won’t go over well. There is a reason so many women are fantasizing about Fabio-like characters in sappy love stories. It’s because their husbands are acting like simple minded buffoons instead of fostering mood, words of affirmation and sweeping them off their feet.
Focus on Intimacy
Vulnerability is an important part of the marriage relationship and true intimacy requires men to be vulnerable with their spouses. Instead, many men, resemble walls versus open doors. Men need to be encouraged to be vulnerable with their spouses about a variety of things. Including their needs and desires when it comes to sex. Men need to know that if they share a particular need, they won’t be judged for it. Encouraging honest, open communication in the bedroom for men will increase intimacy and will help men to be more fulfilled with their wives.
This article is directed mostly towards married men but can apply to other men as well. It’s important to keep in mind that single men need support, encouragement and a place to discuss sexuality in a safe trusted space as well. They also need to receive instruction, correction and information related to specific issues they run into related to being unmarried. Subjects like masterbation, porn and sex outside of marriage can be a great place to start dealing with unmarried men, and male sexuality in general. As a father of a son, I have an excitement in my heart to be able to impart these things to my son as his dad. I look forward to training up my son in a way that he can potentially avoid the mistakes and pitfalls many men face by knowing how to deal with himself correctly ahead of time.